This Past Week.

Luke.Bryce.Bailey

Born July 10th, 2011 1:40 pm.
5 lbs. 13 oz.
19 inches long
Born at 34 weeks & 6 days.

Last Saturday was a crazy day. We were going, going, going and I felt totally fine. We went to a fairwell bbq with a bunch of friends Saturday night, and after that we just went home and got to bed about 11:30. About an hour later at about 12:30 I woke up and thought I had wet my pants. I was totally embarrassed, grossed out, & mostly shocked because I have NEVER wet the bed since before I was potty trained, & we hadn't even been asleep an hour. I got up & started cleaning myself off, & right after I changed I "peed" again. Then I felt the pillow on the bed at it was drenched. Because it was so early it didn't even occur to me yet that my water had broken. I remember thinking, "I don't know if I can go to church tomorrow... I think there is something wrong with me, its like I can't control my bladder." It wasn't until I was sitting on the toilet & water was just falling out of me in gulps that I thought, "oh my gosh, is my water broken?" After thinking back to my birthing classes I mentally checked for all the signs of how you tell & they were all there. I woke up Bryce & told him that I think my water had broken. I couldn't believe how well he took it. I thought he would be freaking out :), but perhaps I was freaking out enough for the two of us.

We rushed to the hospital & my body then started going into labor on its own. I will spare you all the details of the labor because i'm sure you don't care & my earlier story was probably enough for you all, but I will say this, I think it is totally admirable if people want to go natural, go girl! But personally I am SO grateful for my epidural. Here is the reason why, because of my epidural labor was a peaceful, positive & beautiful experience for me. I wasn't cursing Bryce or cursing anything. I didn't once think, "why did we do this?" or "never again!" Even though I was exhausted (it's hard going into labor after a long day with no sleep), I was excited & felt full of love. The only thing I worried about was the little guy being okay, since he was so early.

Everything went really well with labor & delivery, I was so blessed, but here comes the hard part, they had me deliver in an operating room because he was so young, they wanted to pass him strait into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. I can't really describe how hard it was to deliver my boy & have him immediately wisked away. I didn't even get to see his face. Bryce got to see him about an hour later, but not touch. I didn't get to see him for about 6 hours & then neither of us held him until about 10 hours after he was born. I can't describe how weird that sensation was. I was no longer pregnant, & I was officially a mother, but I hadn't even seen my son. I am jealous of moms who got to hold their babies to them right away, and keep them in their rooms.

We have been so blessed. Luke was big for his gestational age (which we already knew from ultrasounds) and he came out healthy & thriving, just to small & weak to take care of himself completely. From the very start we knew that we are one of the most fortunate cases in the NICU, and it has still been so hard. I don't think a night will go by for the rest of my life when I don't pray for the babies, nurses & parents of the NICU. It is heartbreaking to see the tiny babies who are fighting so hard to live & at the same time it is miraculous to see how modern medicine saves most of these babies to have happy, normal and self-sustained lives.

Going home that first night without Luke was one of the hardest things i've ever done. He was our baby, & we love him SO much, & we couldn't stay with him, or take care of him when he cried.

Our routine has gone something like this, I arrive at the hospital for his first feeding at about 7:30 a.m. I get to feed him & do his cares every three hours, & they take about an hour & a half. So in between cares I would have about an hour and 15 minutes to get dressed, eat, go to the bathroom, call & update Bryce etc. This goes on all day and I leave the hospital about 12:15 a.m. and go home to get to bed at about 1:15 a.m. then I wake up to pump at about 3:30 a.m., go back to sleep, and wake up to get ready and go to the hospital about 6:50 a.m.

Bryce has been absolutely amazing. All the nurses & doctors constantly tell me how amazing & how rare he is, (as if I didn't already know). He comes here strait from work & stays late into the night, & then has to wake up at 5:15 for work. Luke loves him so much & knows his Daddy's voice better than anyone. He smiled for Bryce very first & smiles for him the most also. He has been a perfect support for me & has endless love & patience for us both, i'm so grateful for him.

Luke has also been incredible. All the doctors & nurses are amazed at how smart he is. He has advanced to quickly for his age (they always refer to the gestational age for premies). It has been so amazing for me to watch him fighting to beat the odds. He pushes himself hard & has worked so hard to get big & be a big eater. They originally thought that he would be about 3 weeks in the NICU (which is the average for a baby of his age) but it has only been one week & it is looking like we could be released any day! He has a sweet & mild temperament & curious little eyes that look around at everything. Have I mentioned he is the cutest baby ever? He has perfect features, & I think he looks like his Daddy, but people say he is a perfect mix.

As for me, Luke makes me a better person. I have thought of myself this past week less than I ever have ever. But not only do I worry for him & for Bryce but I find myself looking around for others who are in need, and wanting to ease the pain others are feeling. I am filled with love & gratitude & the spirit. He makes me love Bryce more than I ever imagined was possible, and I am so proud to be his mother.

Thank you all so much for your texts, calls & messages. I'm so sorry I have been so bad about getting back. Phones aren't allowed in the NICU which is basically where I always am, and when I am out of there I am honestly just exhuasted. Please know though that I wish I could update everyone personally, & that I have felt your love & we know we are blessed with the best friends and family in the world.

We'll keep you posted :).

Love Jessica